Trout Fisting In America #42 – The Confederacy

You could just sit and laugh at these sad misguided grandaddyfuckers all day long if it weren’t for the power they were able to call upon—the vast & subtle white supremacist violence that already exists within the police, within the government, and within more of my fellow citizens than I care to admit.

But first let’s laugh at them. I mean, there’s no better example of a ‘participation trophy’ than a fucking confederate monument and no flag that screams ‘loser’ louder than a confederate flag. It’s pathetic. Imagine if I told you that each year people in Boston dress up as the Red Sox and re-enact the 1986 World Series? Or dress up as the Atlanta Falcons and re-enact the 2017 Super Bowl (for all I know this may soon be happening, such seems to be the southern drive to relive every humiliation it’s ever suffered)Why do this to yourself? Why relive your defeat in a horrible war, a war that your ancestors started for reasons that, in their immoral mix of greed & racism, embody everything evil in the US past/present/future?

I know these dumb motherfuckers’ love of history stops when they get to the parts they don’t like, but the history of this flag is every bit as stupid, self-righteous and eternally confused as the people who worship it.

So the flag we call ‘the confederate flag’ wasn’t actually the flag of the Confederate States of America. It was a battle flag designed after the first battle of Manassas after it turned out that the CSA flag was so similar to the US flag that the southern commanders couldn’t tell which army was which. So General Beauregard insisted they change the flag (hey! there’s a bar here in Athens, Ga called General Beauregard’s! I’m sure a bar like that wouldn’t go to a local print shop to have menus printed featuring a drink called the ‘niggerita’ that had watermelon in it, would they? OH SHIT THEY DID AND THERE’S NO DRINKS ABOUT STATE’S RIGHTS), but the CSA congress refused so they decided to have a separate flag during their battles. That’s the flag we now call ‘the confederate flag,’ mainly b/c that’s the flag most post-war veteran’s groups continued to fly.

When you see the confederate flag getting flown in places like Maine, or MIchigan, or Pennsylvania, or Montana, you can bet your ass they aren’t flying it to honor their ancestors. They’re flying it because they hate niggers. Or they hate liberals. Or they hate liberal niggers. They’re flying it because they’re proud to be white. Don’t take my word for it. William Tappan Thompson was a editor of a newspaper in Savannah, Georgia. Here’s his thoughts on the confederate flag:

As a people, we are fighting to maintain the Heaven-ordained supremacy of the white man over the inferior or colored race; a white flag would thus be emblematical of our cause.

He wrote those words in an editorial advocating for a new confederate flag that slapped the battle flag into the corner of a large white flag. In the sense that it no longer looked like the US flag, this new flag was a success. In the sense that the flag looked like the south was surrendering every time they went into a battle, it was not a success. It was also scrapped, and there’s even more comical bullshit around the creation & design of this flag. It’s well worth checking out if you have the time, but getting back to the General Beauregard’s story. So a friend of mine was working at the University of Georgia when the menu thing blew up, and her office manager (a white woman in her late-30’s) announced to the young, diverse office that she had never seen why the watermelon stereotype re: black people even existed b/c she personally loved watermelon, which then induced all kinds of sitcom-like cringing levels of embarrassment among the employees.

It’s a dumb flag flown by dumb people to support a dumb cause, and the dumbest confederate-phile award this year goes to a young man named Allen Armentrout—a last name that I’m thinking got shortened at Ellis Island from its original Armentroutfistinginamerica. Anyway, he’s the dude up there in the picture getting flipped off. Turns out some people recognized him during his little vacation to Charlottesville a couple of weeks ago. Mr. Armentroutfistinginamerica had his scholarship revoked by Pensacola Christian College (more like Politically Correct Communists, am I right?) and probably won’t get to complete his senior year. But we don’t give a fuck about that, we just want to hear what he had to say for himself.

I’m a born-again Christian and I believe this wrench has hindered my attempt to serve the Lord. I believe a Christian institution should support patriotic individuals who want to stand for American tradition and beliefs. It really hurts me a lot when you try to do what’s right and you get attacked.

The patriotic individual he’s referring to is Robert E. Lee, a man he called, and I’m directly quoting here, ‘the greatest American who ever lived.’ Now I get that patriotism is hugely subjective, believe me I do, but I can’t think of anything less patriotic than fighting a war against the USA and killing as many Americans as possible. If you think Robert fucking E. Lee is the greatest American, who’s in second place? Timothy McVeigh? 

You hear the phrase ‘America: Love It Or Leave It,’ I guess being a confederate means you get to have both. Because if you place Robert E. Lee above, say, William Tecumseh Sherman, you can call yourself many things, but you can’t call yourself a fucking patriot. And while I’ve hated many things America’s done, and while I hate many thing America continues to do, I’ve never for one second felt sympathy or pride or anything other than fucking outright contempt for a single fucking thing about the confederacy.

Look, people have the right to honor their klancestors however they want to. But to do it without any sense of shame about what they were fighting for (a glorious slave empire that would extend all the way to fucking South America), makes them no better than the original treasonous scum who began that stupid war in the first place. And to call yourself a patriot, or think you’re bringing anything into the world that isn’t as cruel & stupid as it was 150 years ago, just means you’re the biggest fucking moron on the block. And going through life stupid and armed w/an automatic assault rifle is no kind of life at all—for any of us.

The confederate flag, and all those confederate statues, exist as a rebuttal to reconstruction and to the civil rights movement. At best, they are intended as propaganda, but most often they are used to intimidate & invoke terror. The sad misshapen dipshits who like to appear in public—the current republican party acting as the sunlight to they, the moths—are simply terrorists posing as historians. And while they may suck as historians, they have a true talent for terrorism.

Trout Fisting In America appears here every Tuesday (sometimes even more often!). We’re going to keep going until we reach #50, or until the Trout begs for mercy. You can check out previous installments HERE.

About ScottCreney

Scott Creney lives in Athens, Georgia. He is the author of "Dear Al-Qaeda: Letters to the World’s Most Notorious Terror Organiztion".
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