Trout Fisting In America #36 – Guns

Stars and stripes on gun

It takes a lot of cognitive dissonance to be fanatically pro-gun in 21st century america, but if, as Maury Povich once said, the test of a first-rate mind is the ability to hold two contradictory ideas in your mind at the same time and still function,’ then gun lovers are seriously fucking first-rate.

But mostly all you need to love guns is just shiploads & shiploads of irrational fear—usually manufactured by people who make a lot of $$$ when people buy guns. I don’t need to rehash the pro-gun vs. anti-gun  arguments here. We’ve all heard them a million times and the whole thing makes me sick, but there’s something no one’s ever been able to explain to me.

Pro-gun simultaneously believe two things:

  1. The world is a dangerous, chaotic place filled with criminals—no one can be trusted and you need a gun in order to protect yourself from death.
  2. Every registered gun owner is sane, rational and will always act responsibly.

Like how does that even work? The world, the country, the neighborhood, is filled with people who want to hurt you, to the point where you feel like you need to carry a fucking gun with you in order to be safe. These hypothetical people who want to hurt your are violent, irrational criminals. And let’s just say that when your typical NRA member imagines a criminal, they aren’t thinking of someone at Goldman Sachs. The criminal in this fantasy scenario is breaking into their house to steal stuff, or holding them up at gunpoint. It turns out that, like most things USA, the NRA is racist—or at least willing to exploit people’s deep racial fears in order to maximize their power & profit.

And oh yeah, the proliferation of guns is bad for women. Not that anyone gives a fuck about them either.

But once someone legally buys a gun, or gets a conceal & carry permit (shit, 12 states have ‘constitutional carry’ policies, meaning the existence of the constitution is the only permit you need), once that happens, a person automatically becomes a ‘good guy’ and is no longer capable of violence, or criminal activity.

And yet, and yet, you can’t bring guns into an NRA convention. No guns in congress, in state houses, in federal buildings. You have to check your gun before you enter a fucking gun show, and correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t a gun show filled present/future responsible gun owners? So my wife, a student at the University of Georgia, is safer if guns are allowed on campus, but the head of the NRA, or the congresscritters who passed the campus carry law, are somehow less safe if there are guns around?

I smell a fucking rat, and that rat is filled w/plague & beginning to rot.

And by the way, I can’t think of anything less fucking christian than shooting someone for trespassing. Jesus was extremely clear on how to handle trespassers. And if you’re thinking, well easy for Jesus to say, they didn’t have expensive HD Tv’s back in his day, let me point out that soldiers go to war with months of indoctrination & training behind them. They find themselves in a ‘kill or be killed’ situation. They’ve been orders to kill. And despite all these justifications for killing someone, they spend the rest of their lives haunted & traumatized b/c they took another life.

Let’s try another angle. Cops are trained to make split-second decisions on whether to use their firearm, a hell of a lot more training than your typical civilian permit holder, and they literally fuck up all the time. How do these fucking gun-toting NRA yahoos think they’re going to make the right decision on when to use their gun, and not be haunted by all kinds of deep-seeded (or is it deep-seated? I’m not sure, maybe it’s both) guilt for the rest of their lives? How do they think they’re somehow superior to cops & soldiers (two groups, incidentally, that they verbally fellate constantly—and two groups that are fucking always looking for people to join. If you assholes love the military and/or policeman so much, go fucking be one. They aren’t picky).

I mean, call me a naive peace-loving hippie, but I’d rather some dude rob me than live with the psychic weight of killing someone for the rest of my life. Trust me, I’m the son of a Vietnam vet. You are literally haunted by ghosts.

If you’re that scared of the world, maybe get some counseling, or at least get some perspective. Here, maybe this cool chart will help.

The things we’re told to be afraid of in this country, honest to god. Of course, most Americans agree with me.  A Quinnipiac poll this summer asked Americans “Do you support or oppose requiring background checks for all gun buyers.” 94% support. 5% oppose. Of course that number changes if you only include households that own a gun. In that case only 92% support background checks. This means the NRA, like any group in the US that holds any kind of power, doesn’t give a fuck about anyone except themselves, and doesn’t give a fuck about anything besides making money. The NRA doesn’t represent the average gun owner. They represent gun manufacturers and rich donors. That is to say, they’re as unpatriotic, undemocratic, and as big of money-grubbing whores as the congress that accepts their money.

Much like the way we legislate everything else in this country, the gun laws in this country have very little to do with what the vast majority of Americans actually want.

But even beyond all this stuff, there are basically two main reasons why I don’t own guns. One is Richard Pryor, and the other is Kurt Cobain. Because if I’d had a gun in my house all these years, there’s a damn good chance it would’ve ended up getting pointed at someone else, or more likely, pointed at myself.

But let’s just assume I had a gun in my house—for whatever reason, let’s say I live way out in extreme northeastern Vermont, miles away from any police force or animal control, and I’m tired of stepping around a family of huge motherfucking bears every time I need to drive somewhere. I also have a small child in my house. Now as an (extremely hypothetical) gun owning parent, I’d have to make sure to keep my gun locked away, out of reach, and unloaded at all times. But now let’s say that the commonest reason why people say you need a gun happens, i.e. someone breaks into my house in the middle of the night, the dreaded ‘home intruder.’ What fucking good is that gun going to do me if I need to go unlock it, unlock the bullets, and load the thing before it’ll do me any good.

Or I could keep my gun loaded and hope my kid, or my kid’s friend, never finds it. That usually turns out about as well as you’d think.

If knives are dangerous, if motorcycles are dangerous, if pets are dangerous, if fucking liaisons are dangerous, I’m going to go ahead and assume that guns—a thing manufactured for one reason: to inflict pain & death on other humans—are also dangerous. Another thing that’s dangerous is news channels, politicians, and gun lobbyists stoking people’s irrational fears for money & power. They want people to be afraid. After all, people will buy all kinds of shit when they’re afraid.

 

Trout Fisting In America appears here every Tuesday (sometimes even more frequently!). We’re going to keep going until we reach #50, or until the Trout begs for mercy. You can check out previous installments HERE.

About ScottCreney

Scott Creney lives in Athens, Georgia. He is the author of "Dear Al-Qaeda: Letters to the World’s Most Notorious Terror Organiztion".
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